Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Unexpected, Shocking and Unfair and a new Goal!

Again after quite long layoff i am blogging again.. Well by now everyone here knows how much infrequent i am with me updating my blog. Anyway that's not what i will be discussing about here this time around. What i am here to describe is a generalization of some of the recent happenings that have left me shocked and reminded of the loneliness i have in my life.

Because of some key reasons and the gravity of the matter at hand i will not be out-stating a lot of details but basically i would like to ink it down here to whats been bothering me and whats really  on my mind!!! To begin with, it has been quite a time that i will remember in my life. The IIT fiasco was a grand success and i received great accolades for my work here but i always knew my life wasn't just confined to the realms of the academics. Coming back to college i had a stern test to pass (this has nothing to do with academics) .. one that i always feared and it happened exactly the way i had projected it.  I had always feared this day would come one day and even the course of events were quite descriptive to what would eventually happen. And serially each event unfolded with utmost accuracy to my perception and then the day arrived.. The end day and believe it or not again.. i just walked away accepting yet another fate that life had presented to me... I accepted it and was gearing again to move on..... I have issues explaining things to people that happen in my life and again i kept this very most important event of my life within the proximity of my heart so that nobody can ever guess to what really happened! I don't complain about it.. I know it nobody's mistake, perhaps not even mine. This is my life.. Good or Bad.. I have to deal with it. 

Moving on. I was in the middle of my exam season. i would rather call it an "Exam-athon". Yup you heard it pretty right... some 18 exams in 25 days... And it took the hell out of me. But unlike the last time i was better equipped dealing with my life (I must say Mumbai did help). I put my chin up high and made through this busy schedule to give out my best in my examination. During the fag end of this season, life hit back again.... I was sick and could barely move a step... I had to cancel my glorious journey scheduled to IIT Mumbai two days prior to the day of boarding my train and instead had to make an emergency exit to Delhi wherein i wasn't sure of where i was with all my energies drained and my health affecting my decisions. I still dont know what happened to me, but yet again i faced a stern test from life that i never expected to happen at this juncture.. I was thankful that somehow it didn't affect my exams too much, but frankly i don't remember much about it... I just wish everything was fine.... That's all i can wish for!!!

Somehow, i reached Delhi thanking that i had finally made it to my relatives place in one piece. I don't remember much about the day that i had landed in Delhi but i had a sigh of relief that i can have a few days off and certainly i needed a break and regain my health back to refocus on my creative spree and re-continue at IITB. But again the winds took a turn..worst was still to come. It was barely three days since i had landed in Delhi... Calamity struck and caused Mayhem which i still cant forecast could be how much more damaging that what it has already been in my life!

I cant disclose the details (I apologise to my readers), but this one was the big one..... Giant Killer and you know how it originated.... right in the center of my life! I had never expected it.. I had worked hard enough to avoid exactly this.. And i had always prayed that please.. everything with my life but not this... but it happened!!! For the first time i was handed a distinction i swayed away from my entire life.. Which i had accepted only once before which believe it of not had changed my life on its head. But this time it was forced upon me.. I couldn't have accepted it.. I did nothing wrong, I was the right person.. I took the fight on and fought bravely till i ran out of those who can help me and some of the closest members that i wished could have laid a help for a little longer. But in the end it was a quiet acceptance.. It wasnt just about the fact that i had accepted something that blots something so scintillating but the real point with me was that it was again what was right at the given time.. I again did the right thing.. It was unfair to me but what i did was fair and important to be done because i had a responsibility towards those who loved me. After a few days the air settled again and everything went back to normal, but again only one heart was crying and it was mine and nobody knew about it!

Its quite strange this life of mine has been ... I am gifted and i do know that.... I can perceive the world in the most fairest nature and can look upto it at its best potential but the fact remains why did this come up with a price tag that compensates with my luck and my happiness? This was unfair and shocking! I have learned to face these situations now thats why nobody comes to know about it but am i keeping  myself.. my real self away from people. I fear this way i will never be able to share with anyone what i really want or who i really am. Is being too careful too dangerous.. Is my love toxic for my own life ? and the biggest question which shivers me from top to bottom - Is my own life against me..? as i can see that only thing that brings me down is me.... I am not loosing hope but i would rather be prepared for something more serious than just this. So far i have tried to sway these things just to my ownself what if it trickle over to those who are close to me and love.... I must do something about it..and i also know that i am pretty much capable of achieving to what i aim and work for! But again the fact remains, is this what my life wants me to do.... I know i am here for something very special and i am being trained for something so big that has yet not arrived. At 21 i have had plentiful experiences in life and as the days are going by i am getting tougher and life is getting harder.. but i am finding some ways now to be happy and have found ways to stay alive among the worst nightmares of my life happening in front of me as reality. 

I also have to raise the bar.. and i know it.. And it begins today after a week of madness and recovery of my health it seems good to go.. This post was not just to remind me what i was going through and how i should move in a positive direction as there are no choices other than that.. I  never have them... But this was also about the fact that i wanted the world to know something that yes i accept that my world is different than this and i know they dont like it.. but no matter what i have always belied in what i have done.. partially or fully i have always given it more than 100% and i will continue doing so.. My goals are bigger and the course of life is full of stones... I have fallen down before and each time when that happened i have set myself even bigger goals and achieved them even if they meant that i had to take myself close to death and take out every bit of strength present in my soul to achieve what i aimed at.... I know for sure something doesn't like me but i have hope that one day will definitely come when things will be the way it should have been for me.. I just wish it does come soon and i could life my life even after it!!!

From right now the bar has been raised higher.. I have to refocus and more importantly restart!!! Life again will never be the same.. Huh! Quite Ironical Indeed!!

No comments :

Post a Comment